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Sound Clips
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Arnold Schwartzenegger prank call 2
Andrew Dice Clay vs. Ozzy Ozzbourne from Opie and Anthony
Jokes
A duck walks into a bar and asks, `Got any grapes?`
The bartender, confused, tells the duck no. The duck thanks him and leaves.
The next day, the duck returns and asks, `Got any grapes?`
Again, the bartender tells him, `No -- the bar does not serve grapes, has never served grapes and, furthermore, will never serve grapes.` The duck thanks him and leaves.
The next day, the duck returns, but before he can say anything, the bartender yells, `Listen, duck! This is a bar! We do not serve grapes! If you ask for grapes again, I will nail your stupid duck beak to the bar!`
The duck is silent for a moment, and then asks, `Got any nails?`
Confused, the bartender says no.
`Good!` says the duck. `Got any grapes?`
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker.But when I got home, all the signs were there.
At a recent software engineering management course in the US, the participants were given an awkward question to answer. If you had just boarded an airliner and discovered that your team of programmers had been responsible for the flight control software how many of you would disembark immediately? Among the ensuing forest of raised hands, only one man sat motionless. When asked what he would do, he replied that he would be quite content to stay onboard. With his teams software, he said, the plane was unlikely to even taxi as far as the runway, let alone take off.
The boss returned from lunch in a good mood and called the whole staff in to listen to a couple of jokes he had picked up. Everybody, but one girl laughed uproariously. Whats the matter? grumbled the boss. Havent you got a sense of humor? I dont have to laugh, she replied. Im leaving Friday.
A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar getting soused. A man comes in and asks the farmer, Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk? Farmer: Some things you just can`t explain. Man: So what happened that`s so horrible? Farmer: Well, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked over the bucket. Man: Ok, but that`s not so bad. Farmer: Some things you just can`t explain. Man: So what happened then? Farmer: I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left. Man: and then? Farmer: Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket. Man: Again? Farmer: Some things you just can not explain. Man: So, what did you do then? Farmer: I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right. Man: and then? Farmer: Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as I got the bucket about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail. Man: Hmmm...Farmer: Some things you just can`t explain. Man: So, what did you do? Farmer: Well, I didn`t have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in.....
A guy sits down next to a good looking girl in a bar and starts looking at his watch. The girl notices and asks, Is your date late? Oh no, he replies, I`m just testing this new state of the art watch. What does it do? It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me. What`s it telling you now? Well, it says you`re not wearing any panties. Ha! Well it must be broken then because I am! Damn! This watch must be an hour fast.
How do you find Will Smith in the snow? By searching for Fresh Prints.
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